So, after 5 weeks of daycare and not really eating or drinking i may add at daycare, we go in for a big weigh in. This is yet another one that will determine if he needs the tube placed soon. We have taken a very ‘graz’ approach, letting him ‘ask’ for food, which he can do by bringing pudding to me, when its on the table, but although he might do that he is just eating one or two puddings, much less than before so who the fuck knows.
He is enjoying daycare though. they love him there and he is so happy to be there. I know mommy is a bit boring all day 
On a disappointing note, i am unable to find work atm and went for hours to the unemployment agency and social office, filled in forms, answered millions of quesitons, only to find out at the end that my husband makes 100 eur too much per month so i get absolutely nothing. Basically instead of daycare costing 200 eur, it costs us over 500 ( 200 for daycare and the 350+ I loose per month by not having him home with me ). that sucks, but I know for my son that daycare is much better for him, and he will stay there regardless of our poorness.
Seems like a strange time then to use the last 6 embryos. After the disaster with that cunt Mervi in Warsaw and the restraining order courts shit and just everything, somehow i decided that if it was going to ever be a good time to try those frozen embryos then no time like the present.
We have 6 frozen, frozen in straws of 2. The first straw produced one beautiful embryo, but it took the defrosting of the other 4 just to get one more. So, 2 were transferred a few weeks ago. Results are inconclusive as they have been with Eicca, so no jumping and cheering please.
I had a + test 12dp3dt and then a negative, so I am currently waiting for some Beta results. I am in a place where I don’t know how to feel.
Just 2 months ago I couldn’t have thought of having another baby. Being in Warsaw I missed my baby so much, and saw families and they looked happy and I DO believe we can all be happy someday, and get through this. I thought then and there, okay, we try those 6 embryos and see what happens, and big man didn’t argue.
We both have our dream come true, our son, is the best thing in the world and we would both be perfect happy as a family of 3.
On the other hand, let us think about the time, money and heartbreak that goes into getting any embryos at all. We are so lucky to have 6 there waiting and how horrible to just let them got to wast. We could never donate them to another couple, and the waste alone of having them destroyed was too much for us. The other option was to leave them frozen at my 29 years and use them when we were more.. um.. i dunno.. stable, confident, comfortable, rich whatever, but that might bring me at over 38 and I DO NOT want to be that old with a baby.
Many of you reading this will be angry with me and that is fine, but I do not appreciate women having babies after a certain age. I know many many of you are wanna be mothers at advanced age, but I personally think too much of that child, and know how fragile life is. No guarantees at any age sure, but why up the anty more? For me, if no fertility treatment ever worked, and I became of an advanced age after 10+ years and millions of euros trying for a baby, I would have to admit defeat for the sake of that child. I could not imagine night feeds and goddess forbid a special needs child being of an advanced age. I just couldn’t, but that is me, and many people can. and good for them. Donor eggs, not for me. Donor embryos and even donor sperm, just a path we never wanted to go down at any cost.
So, now we are in limbo.. we are often in limbo. Big man is nearly finished with his Phd and soon we will be searching for work in far away lands. So, technically we are unemployed with a special needs child and maybe pupo.. trying to think of what else we are to make the situation sound more fucked up. We have the first u/s in a few weeks.
I am much more relaxed and really do have the feeling things will happen as they do. Of course I am teriffied of another missed miscarriage. I cant bear the though of another dead baby inside me, weather its 5 or 9 or 11 weeks old. That scares me, but really, there is absolutely nothing I can do.
That perpetual feeling of helplessness is something I have gotten used to since having eicca 20 months ago, we are so helpless although not hopeless quite yet.
All the best to you all!
