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Archive for May, 2007

Sitting here crying, i went to pee and had some brown spotting when I wipe. Sorry if TMI, I am devastated. Called big man, he is really sad too. Sent email to dr, it’s just freaking 10 dp2dt, what the FUCK! It’s too early to get my period. I’m trying to read those boards with those positive posts. Brown never seems to be bad, but when our first one failed, I had brown, really early too, same time actually, 10dp, so who knows.

I feel it’s over. I feel sad and empty and almost at the end of this ttc rope. But, I know we will go further and we are strong enough to go further, it just doesn’t feel that way right now.

Right now I have to work, a lot and get some shit finished, and I know this failed and I am cramping and it sucks! IT FUCKING SUCKS!! We’ve done EVERYTHING right! EVERY FUCKING THING was done perfectly, so why the fuck isn’t this working….. 😦

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Thurzzzday…

Still 2 days to go before I POAS. Still no signs nada, bubkis etc.. Looking back on it I SHOULD have kept a pre-prego journal after that first IUI fucking years ago. I just didn’t think it would work, so didn’t pay much attention. All I remember was the cramping before the BFP.

But nothing I can remember before about the sour boobies.. as of today I am pain-and tingle free, but it’s only 10dp2dt. We that’s big man and me have decided to test Sat morning. So we can comfort eachother and not have to dash to work right afterwards.

Then we can just see what’s next. I’ll tell you though I will be fucking disappointed!! At least we have a trip to look forward to,then the next FET in August if any of those 6 embies survive.

But, again I am jumping ahead of myself. Let’s just wait till Saturday. I have lots of work to do today and a whole day of teaching tomorrow on this special training day, so I hope all goes okay. It’s best not to know just yet…. unless AF decides to surprise me…i hope not!

Thanks for listening, take care and best of luck to you all too!!

~r

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Dentist today

Hi everyone,

This morning went to the student dentist. It’s waaay cheaper and considering how much we have spent on IVF, ICSI, FET, HCG, etc.. i thought we could save money. The place is great,clean nice Italian students.  I got the 24 year old guy from fair Verona. All went good, but I did feel a bit sad.

They showed me the health sheet from last year, last March and asked if everything was the same. Of course I wasn’t pregnant then.. and STILL am not..or I’m PUPO, and loosing faith.. so that was a sad moment.

Everything else is ok. DH has to have a colonoscopy tomorrow ( he’s only 35 ), but he’s had some unexplained pain the passed 2 years. We’ve been on the list for the colonoscopy for a year, so it’s strange it’s all happening this week. This week that we find out if this FET worked.

I am 8dp2dt. I feel nothing. Really, zip, bubkis  etc.. I wish for a sore boob. Some tingling nipples, nothin. I will remain quietly hopeful, but I did cycle up the big hill today. I usually do, force myself to burn a few more calories. But, last week I walked up it. SLOWLY. Today i cycled full force up it. I guess I have given up. Fuck!

I’m sad today about this. I so dearly thought that this might work. I don’t even wanna POAS. I think I will stop the pussy pops ( sorry! ) on the 14th day ( next Monday) and wait a day or 2 or AF. If she shows she shows, if not I can POAS. At least then I save money on the pregnancy tests right?? 🙂 Trying to keep the faith, yours

~r

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From my nose. It was fucking scary. I sleep bad already cause of the cats and the freakng 24/7 daylight. I know, I’ve lived here 4+ years, but it’s still hard to sleep. So, i felt my nose was a bit wet, then a second later in the bright light I saw blood staining the pillow. Lucky it was laundry day and we had on the ‘guest’ pillowcases ( while background with some baroque looking swirls ) and I could see it immediately.

It just scared the shit outta me. I am taking aspirin that can aid  in these spontaneous bleed,but maybe in my weird sleepy state i picked something or scratched something too roughly…. I dunno, but there was a lotta blood. Yak.

On the other end, still no news. No sore bbs, no nothing and I am 7 days from transfer, so who knows… let’s keep hoping… byeeee

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Hi everybody, still don’t feel dick. Sorry, I just can’t put it more eloquently. I feel a’ nothing ( in a bad Italian accent) , Zip, bubkis, nada, niks, ei mitään, nothing, period. Yesterday was the first time I ‘faked’ it. No not that dirty minds.. No hanky panky till after the + test, but no we were out at our friends place and they are BIG drinkers.

No HUGE drinkers. They’re all guys, and I’m the only girl in the ‘gang’. The guys heated up the sauna, cracked open some cold ones and got naked. I sipped my ‘cider’ and played with the music etc.. as the night went on the guys were being normal Finnish guys; making bbq, sitting naked or in towels enjoying the midnight sun etc. and I just acted tipsy.

I’m not a HUGE drinker, and I tend to overdo it quickly. I may be a ‘big’ girl, but I’m no veteran drinker. So, I just started talking louder, let the conversation get to some odd topics like circle jerks ( which these guys said.. ewww they never heard of it and would never do it etc.. ) and shaving of the public area ( which they all thought ALL women should do, even though I told them that I HAVE to shave ungodly parts already being a sturdy Mediterranean woman, and having to shave ‘there’ just seems excessive to me)

And then we all went to our favorite club ( by taxi of course) and danced a bit while I drank water ( as I always do at the club, cause 1- drinks are fucking expensive, and 2- people are always knocking drinks over and why waste that kind of tasty liquor) then we all went home. I added in some swaying here and there, and talked a little too close and flirted a bit too much with one of my dear friends, but it was all good.

I really didn’t miss it, and for the first time in a while thought, hey.. i can just act the entire 9 months. Well, until I start to really show, but being a ‘big’ girl when do you start to show anyway?

I know this is totally jumping ahead, and I have thought about it a lot, so let’s just focus on today.

DH and i woke up late, he had some sex, lucky him.. sorry if TMI, I have quite the potty mouth today. Then we ate breakfast ( or was it lunch? it was 12:30 so maybe brunch) then watched some tv we had to catch up on, then went for a walk.

It ended up being a 4 mile, hour long walk around this nearby neighborhood. We even brought the doggy ( 3 year old black lab boy.. our joy.. ) and he got to swim in the river, which he ADORES. That was that basically we were exhausted when we came in, made dinner and amazingly enough DH is snoozing on the couch next to the doggy. He NEVER does that, so funny!!:-)

SO, that’s my Saturday re-cap. Hope you are all well, lemmie know how things are with you all. Here is a pic of the midnight skies last night!

~r

Midnight sun 25.05.2007

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Loosing hope..

I know, I know it’s sooo early still. But, here I am 4 days after FET, no sore boobs, no spotting, just some cramping ( which is probably from the bubble- the bubble that was made when the embryos were deposited. We could see the bubble high up in the uterus on the u/s, so we knew they were in there)

I just hate waiting. Today, I am home all day. An idle mind.. oh fuck what will I do. I have been completely engrossed in the book, Little Children, but, I’m almost done. Daytime tv in Finland leave MUCH to be desired. It’s usually just one hot chick standing in front of some kind of computer screen, hitting imaginary balls that people move by sending in text messages. Sound weird.. it is.. and fucking boring.

So, I have some work to do, but can’t vacuum ( damn..  yeah right ) and will go for my only exercise these days.. a long walk with a neighbor girl ( who’s 19, but very sweet. I am her Gothic grandmother. She’s much cooler and skinner than I was at 19 though. I had better make-up, but she is SO creative etc.. )

I know it’s too early to POAS (PEE ON A STICK); but I wonder how to get through this next week with no symptoms.. arg…

thanks for letting me vent.

~r

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Beautiful Sid in senible shoes.

This is supposed to be a picture, but I am soo useless with computers, sorry

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