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Archive for March, 2008

Still so worried

The nurses have been worried for weeks about our little guy’s weight gain, and this week was particularly dismal. He has gained just 2 ounces in 6 days. He is almost exclusively breast fed, through a bottle, so we can see what is going in, and i’ve supplemented with formula from the beginning.

We just worry so much. Last week we were told they want to send him to the university hospital for some testing. Testing is good.. i know. We went to a private dr on Thursday last week and she said not to worry too much. That every baby grows at his own pace etc..

But I just am so scared that this little guy won’t grow. We stress so much, and this should be the happiest time of our life, with our now 2 month old pumpkin and all we do is stress.

Please send happy and growing vibes to us!!

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7 weeks today

Eicca is 7 weeks today. I took my first bath since before being admitted to the hospital about 9 weeks ago. The bath was lovely. I kept thinking the last time I was in this bath, Eicca was still there inside me and I was blissfully unaware how dangerously low his water was. There I was submerging myself in not too hot water nightly and his water was dramatically reducing. Hard to think about what could have happened if we didn’t go and get ultra sounds every 4 weeks like the paranoid androids we are.

Here the ‘normal’ practice is a quick pat of the belly, followed by some measuring, which funny enough measured him, not only ‘big’ constantly, because i am ‘big’ but also had him markedly growing weekly, when in fact he stopped growing at 36 weeks. Funny how the blindfolded ‘technique’ just doesn’t work.

I am so thankful daily for him. My little munkki, munkki is finnish for doughnut, but since I can’t eat those, i can kiss my little munchkin and call him a tasty little munkki for mommy!

I love being a mom, still with the night feedings, I love it. The nurses are a bunch of more over protective cunts than I am. This passed Monday he was up to 3.6 kg or 8 lbs, and we were delighted. Only again to get a call the next day. The nurse was ‘up all night’ worrying about OUR baby,. WTF!

She asked if we could come in the next day to see the dr., and i asked if it was absolutely necessary considering he gained 320g in 12 days, and the ‘norm’ for breastfed babies is 290g, so he was even above normal.. imagine that. All those ‘forced’ every 2-3 hr feedings worked a bit i guess. She said it wasn’t vital, but we can see the dr next week. I was so upset. I emailed a friend in the states, and she comes back with they are so worried cause SIDS is ‘highest’ among lightweight boys!

What the hell! As if I wasn’t stressed and worried enough.. thanks bitch! So, I spent Tuesday reading about SIDS, and yes, maybe it happens more in boys than girls, and yes, babies under 7lbs at birth are ‘higher’ at risk, but the biggest risk was under 3.5 lbs, and a whole list of other shit from smoking, to sleeping position to age etc..

So now, I’ve taken it upon myself to be a SIDS preventer. I wake him whenever he is sleeping, just startling him when i can’t hear him breathing. I feel like a bad and good mother all at once. I don’t want to ‘miss’ catching the SIDS cause I didn’t want to startle him. Nights are tough. We are both so tired. Big man is working and basically I take care of Eicca all night and he does the 6 am feeding/changing so I can sleep till 8.

But, I do set my clock to either feed or just startle him. Fuck, I hope it’s enough! I can’t even fathom my world without him. I can’t even grasp what life would be like without him, and if my faith in the gods was bad before, I can’t even grapple with what kind of god would take this so loved and much wanted little man our of our lives. But, again I am ahead of myself. I told big man that if anything happened to Eicca, that I wouldn’t want another child. We have 6 embryos on ice, and would love to have more babies,but if anything happens, I couldn’t bear going through pregnancy and everything again.

Also, let me make small rant about the recent twins explosion in Hollywood. We turned to IVF when we had no other options. When we were so desperate and 8 years together and couldn’t not try IVF. Now we have fucking Angelina, who I used to respect, doing IVF getting pregnant with twins, not because she can’t conceive, but because she was TOO SKINNY to conceive on her own. I have the solution… eat bitch! Eat a fucking sandwhich and gain some weight, get your period back, ovulate and get pregnant in two months like you did the last time! I mean come fucking on!

I know who the hell am I? Some have said I was too fat for IVF, too fat at a size 14, fair enough, but it’s a clear abuse of science because you don’t want to fucking eat something. I am just shocked Brad would go for shit like that. Let’s not even consider how many fucking kids they already have.. i mean; i could go on and on here!

That’s all for now, here is a picture of our little munkki at 7 weeks.

take care all of you!eicca 6 w 4 days

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