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Archive for August, 2008

In Dutch they have a saying that roughly translates to the last steps are the heaviest. Well… these last steps or days or whatever before we go to Helsinki and my parents come here have been fucking heavy. I just again can’t believe we are back to or still in the total bottle refusal and fighting to get him to eat.

Somedays I just think it’s better if we put that fucking feeding tube.. so we can focus on loving and playing with him (not making angry and sad faces even involuntarily cause he is yet again refusing for many hours) and we can teach him how to do things.. like roll over, which is still isn’t doing and that stresses us out.

He is sitting well on his own.. so yippee for something.. but I just feel that this burden is huge. His eating disorder has consumed everything in it’s path. It’s taken my self worth, our relationship within the family, my relationship with friends, our joy of having a baby and the desire to have more children and  our general happiness.

Nothing seems to matter and that’s the shitty part. We can mindlessly watch tv, or try to enjoy movies or some ‘down’ time, but my mind inevitably wanders to my son starving, vomiting and squirming and flailing in his wagon and not being able to stop or change or do a fucking thing about it.

I wish I could say that being his mommy had fullfilled everything I desired so desperately. I LOVE LOVE my baby… I hate FUCKING HATE this eating problem so much that I just have no words only tears. It’s shit. I wish it would stop.. get better, change in some way.

The first 7+ months of this guys’s life has had this huge shadow. For how long must it be there, we have no clue.. but it effects everything. I realised yesterday it’s been a month since we’ve been in a photo WITH him. It’s like we just don’t have the strength to put on smiles and love him so much! It’s so sad that it’s that way… again and still. Fuck Fuck Fuck!

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