Archive for January, 2010

Today Eicca is 2. Everyday I look at him and see the most beautiful, amazing child I have ever seen. One that is so helpful, caring, funny and smart, but I see the other side too. The side that is smaller than every kid at his  daycare, including the 9 month olds. The boy that can’t and won’t eat, and is slowing draining the life out of us sometimes. The boy that fights and kicks and screams when we change his diaper or put on his winter clothes.

All of those faces are the faces of my son. My amazing son that we worked so hard for, and dreamed a million dreams about. But, it goes to show that even after all those dreams, and years of struggling you can still struggle.

I fear daily now, that my son will never learn to eat. I have come across a very inspirational blog: http://www.franklyfrankie.com/ about 2 year old Francesca. She has had a tube for a year, and has started net coaching with the bitches at Graz and now in her 3rd week is doing amazingly well. She is eating tons of various solid foods and looks like she will be tube weaned soon enough.

That of course gives us hope, but we have a huge disadvantage. Eicca has been fighting with us and the feeds for 2 years. The phobia is there, the utter fear and pain of having to eat has been experienced, and he also knows the taste of food, its not new to him, it’s not a magical wonderland of tastes and smells, he’s had it all before in some form or another.

I want to be positive, what I want is help.. still and always, some real advice, not just from a world reknowned doctor on feeding problems to email me and say.. buy my book.. which i did and was great, but when i have questions not to answer me.. !!! Or to be told by the people in graz that they suspect i have munchhausen by proxy, because my 20lb 2 year old is actually just fucking ok!! No.. real fucking, for sure, for real help!



Read Full Post »

So everything went well yesterday. It ended up being a 3 hr apt but it went well. they had to switch machines to get more body part details, but so far all looks okay- one is for sure a boy and according to a specialist that came in to double check, the other a girl!they found a clit ha ha.. good for her!

the whole time eicca’s day care kept calling.. he was puking there and they freaked, so big man had to leave me early at the end.. but it was a good apt-next one in 4 wks. the estimate they are each bout 14ounces, or 400g.

I can only imagine how frustrating it was for the doctors doing the very specific and details ultrasound of the babies body parts to hear me in very broken Finnish try to explain to the day care workers that yes, Eicca can puke 6x in 2 hrs and be totally normal.. of course they dont belive that because ‘normal’ children as they said, do NOT puke that often.. oh my.. we are so far fucking away from normal, i cant even see the city limits signs. Alas, our bank apt had to be canceled, and big man took an entire day off for basically 2 free ultra sound hours, but that’s life.

thats all for now, hope u r all well, take care!

Read Full Post »

So, its a new year, and where can i start.  Firstly, the defrosting of 6 embryos resulted in just 2. Seriously just 2 and they have a defrosting rate of 80% and that broke my fucking heart. How can we loose 4 really good looking embryos? In any case the 2 beautiful embryos that were transferred were enough and surprise surprise.. stuck! We are now 20 weeks pregnant with twins! Yep.. twins.. and for those of you on facebook.. no open congrats please, as we are planning on surprising the shit out of our friends by posting birth pictures.. so SHHHHH.

I’m doing fine. Lots of vomiting and nausea for about 17 weeks, even while walking to town, had to stop to puke a few times, which in -10’F weather isn’t ideal, but eh.. what can you do?

Our angel eicca.. oh he is learning so much, but alas his weight isnt increasing. He will be 2 in a few weeks, 2 weeks and he has gained exactly one pound all year! It’s heartbreaking and we just don’t know what to do, but he is starting to feed himself a bit. He even ate tortilla chips at a restaurant over xmas and enjoyed a bit of sushi rice from our traditional Christmas sushi, so there is ‘some’ improvement.

Last week was hard, after the weigh in i took him back to daycare where there were 2 new kids, a 14 mo old and an 18 month old both giant tanks of children. Walking, and enormous. I came home and cried and cried.  Then when i picked him up at 3 and they said he didnt eat a bite all day, i for the first time in months got very angry with him and threw his food. It’s shameful, it’s been MONTHS since i’ve let myself get THAT upset with him.

He cried and cried and when i picked him up he just hugged me. the biggest hug ever and didnt let me go.. i’m a crap mom. I just want my boy to be healthy. that’s all i ever wanted, for this amazing creature who is my whole world. I just break thinking of him, not being what he can be because of his infantile anorexia.

And thoughts go to the twins and how they might be like this too, and how oh how will i survive? I know i can, i have to, but how is the question i have now. Not to mention i have read on my multiples board of people loosing one twin and then the so very touching and well acted desperate housewives episode 6, 11 where lynette looses one twin. The whole scene was brilliantly done. From the feelings she goes through when she imagines him disabled, to the look on her face when he asks for a sandwhich, to he r wanting to pick up the mostard.. it was a very well played scene, only to end in her hearing the baby was lost. Just heartbreakingly well done.

We also gave our beloved puppy, well, 6 year old black lab, mikko to a loving family. They live far in the south but they are in their late 20s, no kids in a big house and have lots of love and time to give. We have neglected the sweet dog enough, and although he was eicca’s best buddy, we know it’s for the best, for mikko could not get the attention he deserves now, and it would be even less when the twins arrive.

We have had some mixed reactions to the announcement of the twins.  Some people are elated, some eh.. not so much. My aunt had the audacity to tell my mom that i must have ‘done something’ as twins don’t just happen, even though her own son and his gf had twins when they were just 19 years old…that just happened.. but we are not open with out fertility treatments,maybe never will be, and that is our choice, but the fact that she planted that seed. bitch. Not to mention she hasnt come out to congratulate us, on fb, or email or otherwise, nor have her daughters, my cousins. Big man’s brother too, hasn’t been jumping for joy.. and it makes me laugh really. All these not too jubilant  people live millions of miles away in california or holland and really their lives have been hardly effected by the arrival of eicca, and won’t be too disturbed by the twins, so what the fuck gives? why cant we just be happy for family’s sake?

That’s all right now in a nutshell. I have my big ultra sound on the 13th. Would love to find out the sexes and see that they are both okay. I’m getting huge, already gained 10kg, or 22lbs and i gained just 12kgthe whole pregnancy with eicca, but eh.. what can i do.

take are all of you, few people reading this.. take care!

Read Full Post »

So, after 5 weeks of daycare and not really eating or drinking i may add at daycare, we go in for a big weigh in. This is yet another one that will determine if he needs the tube placed soon. We have taken a very ‘graz’ approach, letting him ‘ask’ for food, which he can do by bringing pudding to me, when its on the table, but although he might do that he is just eating one or two puddings, much less than before so who the fuck knows. He is enjoying daycare though. they love him there and he is so happy to be there. I know mommy is a bit boring all day 🙂 On a disappointing note, i am unable to find work atm and went for hours to the unemployment agency and social office, filled in forms, answered millions of quesitons, only to find out at the end that my husband makes 100 eur too much per month so i get absolutely nothing. Basically instead of daycare costing 200 eur, it costs us over 500 ( 200 for daycare and the 350+ I loose per month by not having him home with me ). that sucks, but I know for my son that daycare is much better for him, and he will stay there regardless of our poorness. Seems like a strange time then to use the last 6 embryos. After the disaster with that cunt Mervi in Warsaw and the restraining order courts shit and just everything, somehow i decided that if it was going to ever be a good time to try those frozen embryos then no time like the present. We have 6 frozen, frozen in straws of 2. The first straw produced one beautiful embryo, but it took the defrosting of the other 4 just to get one more. So, 2 were transferred a few weeks ago. Results are inconclusive as they have been with Eicca, so no jumping and cheering please. I had a + test 12dp3dt and then a negative, so I am currently waiting for some Beta results. I am in a place where I don’t know how to feel. Just 2 months ago I couldn’t have thought of having another baby. Being in Warsaw I missed my baby so much, and saw families and they looked happy and I DO believe we can all be happy someday, and get through this. I thought then and there, okay, we try those 6 embryos and see what happens, and big man didn’t argue. We both have our dream come true, our son, is the best thing in the world and we would both be perfect happy as a family of 3. On the other hand, let us think about the time, money and heartbreak that goes into getting any embryos at all. We are so lucky to have 6 there waiting and how horrible to just let them got to wast. We could never donate them to another couple, and the waste alone of having them destroyed was too much for us. The other option was to leave them frozen at my 29 years and use them when we were more.. um.. i dunno.. stable, confident, comfortable, rich whatever, but that might bring me at over 38 and I DO NOT want to be that old with a baby. Many of you reading this will be angry with me and that is fine, but I do not appreciate women having babies after a certain age. I know many many of you are wanna be mothers at advanced age, but I personally think too much of that child, and know how fragile life is. No guarantees at any age sure, but why up the anty more? For me, if no fertility treatment ever worked, and I became of an advanced age after 10+ years and millions of euros trying for a baby, I would have to admit defeat for the sake of that child. I could not imagine night feeds and goddess forbid a special needs child being of an advanced age. I just couldn’t, but that is me, and many people can. and good for them. Donor eggs, not for me. Donor embryos and even donor sperm, just a path we never wanted to go down at any cost. So, now we are in limbo.. we are often in limbo. Big man is nearly finished with his Phd and soon we will be searching for work in far away lands. So, technically we are unemployed with a special needs child and maybe pupo.. trying to think of what else we are to make the situation sound more fucked up. We have the first u/s in a few weeks. I am much more relaxed and really do have the feeling things will happen as they do. Of course I am teriffied of another missed miscarriage. I cant bear the though of another dead baby inside me, weather its 5 or 9 or 11 weeks old. That scares me, but really, there is absolutely nothing I can do. That perpetual feeling of helplessness is something I have gotten used to since having eicca 20 months ago, we are so helpless although not hopeless quite yet. All the best to you all!

Read Full Post »