Archive for the ‘Apt updates’ Category

So everything went well yesterday. It ended up being a 3 hr apt but it went well. they had to switch machines to get more body part details, but so far all looks okay- one is for sure a boy and according to a specialist that came in to double check, the other a girl!they found a clit ha ha.. good for her!

the whole time eicca’s day care kept calling.. he was puking there and they freaked, so big man had to leave me early at the end.. but it was a good apt-next one in 4 wks. the estimate they are each bout 14ounces, or 400g.

I can only imagine how frustrating it was for the doctors doing the very specific and details ultrasound of the babies body parts to hear me in very broken Finnish try to explain to the day care workers that yes, Eicca can puke 6x in 2 hrs and be totally normal.. of course they dont belive that because ‘normal’ children as they said, do NOT puke that often.. oh my.. we are so far fucking away from normal, i cant even see the city limits signs. Alas, our bank apt had to be canceled, and big man took an entire day off for basically 2 free ultra sound hours, but that’s life.

thats all for now, hope u r all well, take care!


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So, its a new year, and where can i start.  Firstly, the defrosting of 6 embryos resulted in just 2. Seriously just 2 and they have a defrosting rate of 80% and that broke my fucking heart. How can we loose 4 really good looking embryos? In any case the 2 beautiful embryos that were transferred were enough and surprise surprise.. stuck! We are now 20 weeks pregnant with twins! Yep.. twins.. and for those of you on facebook.. no open congrats please, as we are planning on surprising the shit out of our friends by posting birth pictures.. so SHHHHH.

I’m doing fine. Lots of vomiting and nausea for about 17 weeks, even while walking to town, had to stop to puke a few times, which in -10’F weather isn’t ideal, but eh.. what can you do?

Our angel eicca.. oh he is learning so much, but alas his weight isnt increasing. He will be 2 in a few weeks, 2 weeks and he has gained exactly one pound all year! It’s heartbreaking and we just don’t know what to do, but he is starting to feed himself a bit. He even ate tortilla chips at a restaurant over xmas and enjoyed a bit of sushi rice from our traditional Christmas sushi, so there is ‘some’ improvement.

Last week was hard, after the weigh in i took him back to daycare where there were 2 new kids, a 14 mo old and an 18 month old both giant tanks of children. Walking, and enormous. I came home and cried and cried.  Then when i picked him up at 3 and they said he didnt eat a bite all day, i for the first time in months got very angry with him and threw his food. It’s shameful, it’s been MONTHS since i’ve let myself get THAT upset with him.

He cried and cried and when i picked him up he just hugged me. the biggest hug ever and didnt let me go.. i’m a crap mom. I just want my boy to be healthy. that’s all i ever wanted, for this amazing creature who is my whole world. I just break thinking of him, not being what he can be because of his infantile anorexia.

And thoughts go to the twins and how they might be like this too, and how oh how will i survive? I know i can, i have to, but how is the question i have now. Not to mention i have read on my multiples board of people loosing one twin and then the so very touching and well acted desperate housewives episode 6, 11 where lynette looses one twin. The whole scene was brilliantly done. From the feelings she goes through when she imagines him disabled, to the look on her face when he asks for a sandwhich, to he r wanting to pick up the mostard.. it was a very well played scene, only to end in her hearing the baby was lost. Just heartbreakingly well done.

We also gave our beloved puppy, well, 6 year old black lab, mikko to a loving family. They live far in the south but they are in their late 20s, no kids in a big house and have lots of love and time to give. We have neglected the sweet dog enough, and although he was eicca’s best buddy, we know it’s for the best, for mikko could not get the attention he deserves now, and it would be even less when the twins arrive.

We have had some mixed reactions to the announcement of the twins.  Some people are elated, some eh.. not so much. My aunt had the audacity to tell my mom that i must have ‘done something’ as twins don’t just happen, even though her own son and his gf had twins when they were just 19 years old…that just happened.. but we are not open with out fertility treatments,maybe never will be, and that is our choice, but the fact that she planted that seed. bitch. Not to mention she hasnt come out to congratulate us, on fb, or email or otherwise, nor have her daughters, my cousins. Big man’s brother too, hasn’t been jumping for joy.. and it makes me laugh really. All these not too jubilant  people live millions of miles away in california or holland and really their lives have been hardly effected by the arrival of eicca, and won’t be too disturbed by the twins, so what the fuck gives? why cant we just be happy for family’s sake?

That’s all right now in a nutshell. I have my big ultra sound on the 13th. Would love to find out the sexes and see that they are both okay. I’m getting huge, already gained 10kg, or 22lbs and i gained just 12kgthe whole pregnancy with eicca, but eh.. what can i do.

take are all of you, few people reading this.. take care!

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It’s official.. :-(

Eicca is failure to thrive. It sucks. We were hoping he’d never fall this far behind in his growth, but it’s happened.

Today at the dr we got him weighed and measured and he is just about a pound away from being ‘safe’ but still it’s sad.

They want us to keep up the new medicine and the neocate, special fucking expensive tastes like shit formula, because that is all they can do for him now.

In 2 weeks we go back and if he hasn’t grown they will put the NG tube, it’s just temporary, but it’s annoying to have my baby with a tube in his nose. And so sad to be honest that as his parents we can’t do the most basic thing.. keep him alive and feed him.

Then in August we will do the endoscopy to look at his insides and see if there is any damage. We never wanted to even do the endoscopy, but the doctors aren’t sure why he isn’t eating.. we fucking surely don’t know.. so it’ s a matter of trying everything.

We also talked to the child psychologist who was pretty positive about us.. not about Eicca’s behavior in any way. She said she loved how marco and i are on the same page and showed support of eachother and how we interact with Eicca.

All that was great.. and she said it’s so important as if there are feeding difficulites, many times parents kinda shut down and that damages the kids relationship.. i hope we never do that!

Okay enough rambling. Thank you all for the support. Send more eating vibes for Eicca. Our thoughts are with you all too!

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Hi again, I realized that any sense of being anonymous on the net is truly futile. Simply typing in our baby’s name leads EVERYONE to this blog, and also to our past struggles to get and stay pregnant. I suppose that isn’t such a bad thing, although we will never go into details about our treatments openly to friends and family… all the details are just here.. on this blog. It’s funny really. Because we didn’t really hide the fact we had problems, and in fact I believe that people doing IVF or IUIs especially in the public eye ( which we are not ) should be open about it, but we just chose not to add any additional pressure with talking to our families about retrievals and transfers and defrosting and finally period getting despair. Those things we decided to keep to ourselves and if we ever got pregnant, could then share with the world.. I think that if we ever do this all again, we will keep it the same way.

There is already so much hope and faith that goes into each treatment and cycle, and the added pressure of family and friends hoping and crossing their fingers only to hear another cycle failed is just too much to bear.

Now that being said, things are going okay. We are just 90g or 3.5 ounces away from doubling Eicca’s birth weight at 4 months 1 day old. That is VERY good. We’ve been using some Fantomalt, which adds 20 calories per scoop to help fatten him up a bit, but still his feeding sessions are a bit poor at best.

He has taken to solids and when he is in the mood, he really enjoys rice cereal, prunes and avocado, but takes them mainly once a day, even though we try twice a day.

Eicca has also found and has fallen in love with his hands which he eats constantly. We aren’t sure if he is teething yet.. but it could be close. He is so vocal now, laughing outloud and smiling all the time, except when eating of course. which is a bit sad.

Other than that having him is still the BEST thing that has ever happened to us all.

Wishing you all a wonderful spring and please send positive continuing to gain weight vibes. I’ve only cried once this week during a flat out refusal at noon, but i am working on it.


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Reading an infertile’s blog and having her complain her daughter, gorgeous newborn wasn’t latching on.. and thinking to myself.. what a selfish bitch. I mean here she is with this gorgeous baby, which I will never have and she’s bitching about feeding.. oh my apologies go out to her.

My precious son still isn’t succeeding in the feeding section of his life. He is steadily gaining weight and at his 15 wk apt was 5kg, or 11lbs, which is good considering he was born at 2.680kg, but every feeding session is hell.

I cry daily usually around 12 when he flat our refuses now pushing the bottle away. We’ve been on zantac , which only made him drink less, now on losec for 9 days and at least he isn’t vomiting as much and sleeping MUCH better, but the amount.. the amount is about 75% of his daily ‘requirement’ and he just hates each session.

We’ve introduced solids last week. He seemed to do ok with carrots and potato mix. We were desperate. If you see your child flat out refuse food for 5-7 hrs and you offer bottle after wasted formula filled bottle, it’s tough.

I decided to stop pumping at 14 weeks. I was going to pump the whole day..my period came that morning the first since giving life to this angel.. and i stopped. The stress of pumping 50ml or 2 ounces about, every 3 hrs plus everytime he refused a bm bottle, i’d feel it was SUCH a waste, cause I got so little for him, just made it all too difficult. Not to mention the 1hr+ it took me every nite to feed him, plus pump then try to get back to sleep not disturbing big man, who gets daily crying calls from me, and really needs to actually work sometimes so we can buy all the damn formula.

We go back fri for a stomach ultrasound and an ekg and then we will see if he can try different medication for reflux, but not before he gets a few more tests. I really hate putting him on any medicine, but the sessions are tedious and exhausting for us all. I just want to enjoy the spring.. and my little man, our miracle baby.. but we can’t. It’s just too damn hard to take him out, and fear missing a session.. then the eats nothing that day!

Help!! No one can help apparently…it’s so tough!

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This has beena week from hell for Eicca. Today hours of crying and non-eating. The liquid zantac he has been on for 8 days for reflux seems to do more harm than good, and he flat out refused food today. It’s fucking heartbreaking. My morning spent on the floor next to him crying isn’t how I imagined my life with this gorgeous boy.

We even called the hosptial today, a desperate measure as I hate that place and thankfully we could speak to someone who told us to stop the zantac ( even though we were supposed to try it for 2 weeks ) and to give him some pain meds in case he has some bad paid because the reflux.

It’s a bitch though, cause all those days at the hospital exactly 4 weeks ago, and no one checked out the food allergy or reflux. We go back next friday and see the speech therapist again, and hopefully she has some suggestions, although to be honest, what we have read and we’ve read a LOT, it seems to just be gastric reflux that simply requires medication… some medication that works that is. We have a prescription to try something else, will do that tomorrow.. let’s just hope we all can get through tonight!

He has finally stopped crying and resolved himself to sleep, at least until we are forced to wake him again, for food because he fucking doesn’t reach his 30ounces a day not by a long shot!

I know most of you don’t have kids or give a shit, but when you are as alienated as we are here, you have to vent where you can!

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Current mood: impatient

Well today was en exiting day. The doctor check everything out and feels that our baby will not grow much more from now on (the last two weeks) due to low amniotic fluid, increasing blood pressure and thus indications for a less good functioning placenta at this stage. A C-section it is!

Schedueled for tomorrow, 25 january (local time).

Keep your fingers crossed for low delivery traffic tomorrow, it is time to meet our future. Can’t wait!

– HB –

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