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Archive for the ‘eating wars/hunger strike’ Category

So everything went well yesterday. It ended up being a 3 hr apt but it went well. they had to switch machines to get more body part details, but so far all looks okay- one is for sure a boy and according to a specialist that came in to double check, the other a girl!they found a clit ha ha.. good for her!

the whole time eicca’s day care kept calling.. he was puking there and they freaked, so big man had to leave me early at the end.. but it was a good apt-next one in 4 wks. the estimate they are each bout 14ounces, or 400g.

I can only imagine how frustrating it was for the doctors doing the very specific and details ultrasound of the babies body parts to hear me in very broken Finnish try to explain to the day care workers that yes, Eicca can puke 6x in 2 hrs and be totally normal.. of course they dont belive that because ‘normal’ children as they said, do NOT puke that often.. oh my.. we are so far fucking away from normal, i cant even see the city limits signs. Alas, our bank apt had to be canceled, and big man took an entire day off for basically 2 free ultra sound hours, but that’s life.

thats all for now, hope u r all well, take care!

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I am utterly convinced there are no lights at the end of this tunnel. Eicca is still refusing nearly every feed and we are back to feeding him something, usually behind the computer while he watches videos. It wont work forever, and then we are back to where we have always been.. like december in holland, him screaming while we held down his arms and shoved food into his mouth.

Last friday he was so interested in my cheese sandwich that he ate some of the cheese. The joy that filled my heart and eyes.. was indescribable.. then he vomited it all out. Like the cheese got stuck or something just didnt work.

To me, the g.tube is inevitable. I am at peace with that.He is starting to cruise, but doesnt sleep much all day and certainly doesnt eat, so where the fuck is he getting the calories from.. just explain that to me?

Tomorrow yet another big meeting with the drs. I will not go. I have nothing to say to them. After they have said that a tube is child abuse, i have no more words. We are obviously not on the same page. I dont want my child to be a 17lb 16month old.. and they are content with him.. learning to get hungry and try to find that hunger.. as they keep repeating.

Well.. after all this time.. he just isnt getting it. Either he isnt getting hungry, or doesnt have the capacity, or some other mystery, but i still feel so isolated and spend most of my days crying.

The days we do go out, it’s only after I have force fed him something so he wont freeze when we leave the house. Our marriage is suffering.. everything suffers and it isnt fair and it has to end. IT FUCKING HAS TO END SOMEDAY!

I see enough of you are reading my blog.. so thank you for that.. i hope you found the strength that i have run out of.

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Today was ok.. Eicca is nearly a year old, and such a gorgeous 9.7 kg boy! Just so sweet and wonderful to everyone.. the MRI showed everything was totally normal, as were the genetic tests  ( no russel silver and no catch 22 ) and the neurologists check up. They decided that eicca will come in next week  for at least a week, then get to come home for his bday on the 25th.. at least!But that the nurses will feed him, and if he refuses.. then he refuses,he is there, under observation and if it gets bad at least he is there.I will suffer the most, being there all day, of course. Marco will goto work, plus there is a Volbeat concert with the guys on thur the 22nd, that Marco is dying to go to..  so iwill be there 24/7 myself, which sucks, but that’s life and it’s for my little man.

The drs seem confident since everything has been checked and there are no genetic problems, or brain or any other that we will get through this.

Thenurses will feed him and the speech therapist will be there, but i amnot allowed to be there for the feeds itself.. at least not till he iseating a bit more normally.

They also said we wont be thereforever, not even a month, so at least that is something.. i know iwill suffer for 2 weeks, selfish bitch i am.. but hopefully he willlearn to be hungry..who knows.. we can only hope their ideas work, andthat’s that.

Okay everyone, its been a LONG  few days.. when the putthe iv in his foot after trying his hand twice he cried so hard myheart and eyes just broke.. i cried non stop… it’s just been all soemotional.. The sheer pain and fear screaming out of him was enough to make your heart break.But our little trouper was out of anestheisa in less than 30min.

love you all  much and thank you for the never-ending support.

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In Dutch they have a saying that roughly translates to the last steps are the heaviest. Well… these last steps or days or whatever before we go to Helsinki and my parents come here have been fucking heavy. I just again can’t believe we are back to or still in the total bottle refusal and fighting to get him to eat.

Somedays I just think it’s better if we put that fucking feeding tube.. so we can focus on loving and playing with him (not making angry and sad faces even involuntarily cause he is yet again refusing for many hours) and we can teach him how to do things.. like roll over, which is still isn’t doing and that stresses us out.

He is sitting well on his own.. so yippee for something.. but I just feel that this burden is huge. His eating disorder has consumed everything in it’s path. It’s taken my self worth, our relationship within the family, my relationship with friends, our joy of having a baby and the desire to have more children and  our general happiness.

Nothing seems to matter and that’s the shitty part. We can mindlessly watch tv, or try to enjoy movies or some ‘down’ time, but my mind inevitably wanders to my son starving, vomiting and squirming and flailing in his wagon and not being able to stop or change or do a fucking thing about it.

I wish I could say that being his mommy had fullfilled everything I desired so desperately. I LOVE LOVE my baby… I hate FUCKING HATE this eating problem so much that I just have no words only tears. It’s shit. I wish it would stop.. get better, change in some way.

The first 7+ months of this guys’s life has had this huge shadow. For how long must it be there, we have no clue.. but it effects everything. I realised yesterday it’s been a month since we’ve been in a photo WITH him. It’s like we just don’t have the strength to put on smiles and love him so much! It’s so sad that it’s that way… again and still. Fuck Fuck Fuck!

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Reading an infertile’s blog and having her complain her daughter, gorgeous newborn wasn’t latching on.. and thinking to myself.. what a selfish bitch. I mean here she is with this gorgeous baby, which I will never have and she’s bitching about feeding.. oh my apologies go out to her.

My precious son still isn’t succeeding in the feeding section of his life. He is steadily gaining weight and at his 15 wk apt was 5kg, or 11lbs, which is good considering he was born at 2.680kg, but every feeding session is hell.

I cry daily usually around 12 when he flat our refuses now pushing the bottle away. We’ve been on zantac , which only made him drink less, now on losec for 9 days and at least he isn’t vomiting as much and sleeping MUCH better, but the amount.. the amount is about 75% of his daily ‘requirement’ and he just hates each session.

We’ve introduced solids last week. He seemed to do ok with carrots and potato mix. We were desperate. If you see your child flat out refuse food for 5-7 hrs and you offer bottle after wasted formula filled bottle, it’s tough.

I decided to stop pumping at 14 weeks. I was going to pump the whole day..my period came that morning the first since giving life to this angel.. and i stopped. The stress of pumping 50ml or 2 ounces about, every 3 hrs plus everytime he refused a bm bottle, i’d feel it was SUCH a waste, cause I got so little for him, just made it all too difficult. Not to mention the 1hr+ it took me every nite to feed him, plus pump then try to get back to sleep not disturbing big man, who gets daily crying calls from me, and really needs to actually work sometimes so we can buy all the damn formula.

We go back fri for a stomach ultrasound and an ekg and then we will see if he can try different medication for reflux, but not before he gets a few more tests. I really hate putting him on any medicine, but the sessions are tedious and exhausting for us all. I just want to enjoy the spring.. and my little man, our miracle baby.. but we can’t. It’s just too damn hard to take him out, and fear missing a session.. then the eats nothing that day!

Help!! No one can help apparently…it’s so tough!

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