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Archive for the ‘Eicca’ Category

Huge does not describe how I am. I am enormous, and tired and as of tomorrow have just 3 weeks until my planned c-section on the 10th of May. I can’t wait to meet these babies. My last children, my last pregnancy, the pregnancy I thought would never happen because of being so damn infertile, and for having the hardest year(s) of my life, from the moment precious Eicca was born.

Many times, i just would cry and look at my son and not know how I could ever get him to grow and be ‘normal’. He is still small.. but this morning he ate toast. He is now 26+ months and still precious and amazing and I learn from him daily and he will be a great big brother, but his health concerns haven’t left us yet.

A month ago he started vomit and and was hospitalized.. he had Noro virus and RSV, both of which I also got. He was there with big man in that tiny fucking room for 7 days and they strengthened their bond, which is wonderful. Eicca now sees he can depend on his papa maybe even more so than his enormous mom šŸ™‚ He lost 2lbs in a week and has yet to gain that back. He is still smaller than the average year old, but he is wonderful and beautiful.

Yesterday our friends brought over their 20lb 6 mo old. I’ve never seen such a fat child.The wrists were bulging, i couldnt get my fingers around his fat calves, it didnt seem normal. I had to look it up.. turns out, he’s ‘just’ in the 50th percentile for weight.. well.. fuck me. There are babies FATTER at 6 mo, holy shit!!

I worry about these 2. I know I can’t predict the future, I have no idea what things will bring. Mom is coming the 16th for 3 weeks. We will need the help.

As much complaining as I do, I wouldnt change my life for anything. I am so blessed, if I can say blessed as I am not a religious person what so ever but lucky I guess, that I have ONE amazing child, the light of my life. Let’s see what the future holds.. updates to come.

Last check the twins were measuring about 2.1kg each at 34 weeks, one head up one head down. For those of you out there wondering if FET will ever work, for us, it was the only thing that worked, after failed fresh cycles and and IUI ( even though the first IUI did work, but ended in m/c at 9 wks ). Hang in there my few readers, and know that things can happen!!

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So everything went well yesterday. It ended up being a 3 hr apt but it went well. they had to switch machines to get more body part details, but so far all looks okay- one is for sure a boy and according to a specialist that came in to double check, the other a girl!they found a clit ha ha.. good for her!

the whole time eicca’s day care kept calling.. he was puking there and they freaked, so big man had to leave me early at the end.. but it was a good apt-next one in 4 wks. the estimate they are each bout 14ounces, or 400g.

I can only imagine how frustrating it was for the doctors doing the very specific and details ultrasound of the babies body parts to hear me in very broken Finnish try to explain to the day care workers that yes, Eicca can puke 6x in 2 hrs and be totally normal.. of course they dont belive that because ‘normal’ children as they said, do NOT puke that often.. oh my.. we are so far fucking away from normal, i cant even see the city limits signs. Alas, our bank apt had to be canceled, and big man took an entire day off for basically 2 free ultra sound hours, but that’s life.

thats all for now, hope u r all well, take care!

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So, its a new year, and where can i start.Ā  Firstly, the defrosting of 6 embryos resulted in just 2. Seriously just 2 and they have a defrosting rate of 80% and that broke my fucking heart. How can we loose 4 really good looking embryos? In any case the 2 beautiful embryos that were transferred were enough and surprise surprise.. stuck! We are now 20 weeks pregnant with twins! Yep.. twins.. and for those of you on facebook.. no open congrats please, as we are planning on surprising the shit out of our friends by posting birth pictures.. so SHHHHH.

I’m doing fine. Lots of vomiting and nausea for about 17 weeks, even while walking to town, had to stop to puke a few times, which in -10’F weather isn’t ideal, but eh.. what can you do?

Our angel eicca.. oh he is learning so much, but alas his weight isnt increasing. He will be 2 in a few weeks, 2 weeks and he has gained exactly one pound all year! It’s heartbreaking and we just don’t know what to do, but he is starting to feed himself a bit. He even ate tortilla chips at a restaurant over xmas and enjoyed a bit of sushi rice from our traditional Christmas sushi, so there is ‘some’ improvement.

Last week was hard, after the weigh in i took him back to daycare where there were 2 new kids, a 14 mo old and an 18 month old both giant tanks of children. Walking, and enormous. I came home and cried and cried.Ā  Then when i picked him up at 3 and they said he didnt eat a bite all day, i for the first time in months got very angry with him and threw his food. It’s shameful, it’s been MONTHS since i’ve let myself get THAT upset with him.

He cried and cried and when i picked him up he just hugged me. the biggest hug ever and didnt let me go.. i’m a crap mom. I just want my boy to be healthy. that’s all i ever wanted, for this amazing creature who is my whole world. I just break thinking of him, not being what he can be because of his infantile anorexia.

And thoughts go to the twins and how they might be like this too, and how oh how will i survive? I know i can, i have to, but how is the question i have now. Not to mention i have read on my multiples board of people loosing one twin and then the so very touching and well acted desperate housewives episode 6, 11 where lynette looses one twin. The whole scene was brilliantly done. From the feelings she goes through when she imagines him disabled, to the look on her face when he asks for a sandwhich, to he r wanting to pick up the mostard.. it was a very well played scene, only to end in her hearing the baby was lost. Just heartbreakingly well done.

We also gave our beloved puppy, well, 6 year old black lab, mikko to a loving family. They live far in the south but they are in their late 20s, no kids in a big house and have lots of love and time to give. We have neglected the sweet dog enough, and although he was eicca’s best buddy, we know it’s for the best, for mikko could not get the attention he deserves now, and it would be even less when the twins arrive.

We have had some mixed reactions to the announcement of the twins.Ā  Some people are elated, some eh.. not so much. My aunt had the audacity to tell my mom that i must have ‘done something’ as twins don’t just happen, even though her own son and his gf had twins when they were just 19 years old…that just happened.. but we are not open with out fertility treatments,maybe never will be, and that is our choice, but the fact that she planted that seed. bitch. Not to mention she hasnt come out to congratulate us, on fb, or email or otherwise, nor have her daughters, my cousins. Big man’s brother too, hasn’t been jumping for joy.. and it makes me laugh really. All these not too jubilantĀ  people live millions of miles away in california or holland and really their lives have been hardly effected by the arrival of eicca, and won’t be too disturbed by the twins, so what the fuck gives? why cant we just be happy for family’s sake?

That’s all right now in a nutshell. I have my big ultra sound on the 13th. Would love to find out the sexes and see that they are both okay. I’m getting huge, already gained 10kg, or 22lbs and i gained just 12kgthe whole pregnancy with eicca, but eh.. what can i do.

take are all of you, few people reading this.. take care!

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Today was ok.. Eicca is nearly a year old, and such a gorgeous 9.7 kg boy! Just so sweet and wonderful to everyone.. the MRI showed everything was totally normal, as were the genetic testsĀ  ( no russel silver and no catch 22 ) and the neurologists check up. They decided that eicca will come in next weekĀ  for at least a week, then get to come home for his bday on the 25th.. at least!But that the nurses will feed him, and if he refuses.. then he refuses,he is there, under observation and if it gets bad at least he is there.I will suffer the most, being there all day, of course. Marco will goto work, plus there is a Volbeat concert with the guys on thur the 22nd, that Marco is dying to go to..Ā  so iwill be there 24/7 myself, which sucks, but that’s life and it’s for my little man.

The drs seem confident since everything has been checked and there are no genetic problems, or brain or any other that we will get through this.

Thenurses will feed him and the speech therapist will be there, but i amnot allowed to be there for the feeds itself.. at least not till he iseating a bit more normally.

They also said we wont be thereforever, not even a month, so at least that is something.. i know iwill suffer for 2 weeks, selfish bitch i am.. but hopefully he willlearn to be hungry..who knows.. we can only hope their ideas work, andthat’s that.

Okay everyone, its been a LONGĀ  few days.. when the putthe iv in his foot after trying his hand twice he cried so hard myheart and eyes just broke.. i cried non stop… it’s just been all soemotional.. The sheer pain and fear screaming out of him was enough to make your heart break.But our little trouper was out of anestheisa in less than 30min.

love you allĀ  much and thank you for the never-ending support.

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almost 10 months old

Hello everyone out there. THank you those who have been keeping in touch with us. We have just returned from 6 weeks in the states and I am a bit more optimistic. Lately, knock wood, Eicca has been eating food better, although the bottle his is enemy still.

He throughly enjoys drinking water out of cups or adult water bottles, but a sippy cup is enemy #2. Each day I make my magic mix of jarred fruit or veggies with oatmeal, milk powder, oil, and made formula and give him that a few times a day.
YEsterday we were up to 15 tablespoons a day, which was really great, although as you know, every day is different.

The flight going to the states was really hard on me, as I was traveling alone with a super flyer Eicca. He didnt mind the take offs or landings at all and we had 46 hrs of travel to get us to Maui, from Oulu, Finland so he did great.Ā  I however cried much of the journey from Frankfurt to SF as fucking United claimed not to have the bassinetts any more, although their website clearly states they do. It was a really hard flight with him not eating or drinking, but sweating to high heaven on my chest in his baby bjorn.

Alas, we made it and go to spend some great time bonding with the grandparents and trying to avoid the heat. It was nearly 90 each day, and something both Eicca and myself were not fans of. There was much vomiting sometimes 5x a day, but also some eating of ice cream which he seemed to love and some vanilla pudding, which he also enjoyed.

Overall, i was beyond over the moon when I weighed him at his 9 mo apt and he was 18lbs, that is 3x his birthweight and something we were aiming for at his year check-up, so there seemed to be some hope.

On a nice note we also spent time with my niece who is 3 mo younger than Eicca and the same weight, which saddened me a bit. Not only that, but she cried for food and held her own bottle.. something my monkey doesnt do.

On another neat note, eicca has taken to finally putting food in his mouth. He sometimes puts crackers or even french fries, which again gives us hope. He also liked the delicious pumpkin milkshakes and whipped cream offered to him, so let’s see.

All in all, i am glad we went. The flight back was exhausting, but I know I am stronger for doing it all alone. Big Man had much work to catch up on and also renovated our kitchen, so although there was missing, there was a reason.

Take care to you all, and thank you for listening!

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In Dutch they have a saying that roughly translates to the last steps are the heaviest. Well… these last steps or days or whatever before we go to Helsinki and my parents come here have been fucking heavy. I just again can’t believe we are back to or still in the total bottle refusal and fighting to get him to eat.

Somedays I just think it’s better if we put that fucking feeding tube.. so we can focus on loving and playing with him (not making angry and sad faces even involuntarily cause he is yet again refusing for many hours) and we can teach him how to do things.. like roll over, which is still isn’t doing and that stresses us out.

He is sitting well on his own.. so yippee for something.. but I just feel that this burden is huge. His eating disorder has consumed everything in it’s path. It’s taken my self worth, our relationship within the family, my relationship with friends, our joy of having a baby and the desire to have more children andĀ  our general happiness.

Nothing seems to matter and that’s the shitty part. We can mindlessly watch tv, or try to enjoy movies or some ‘down’ time, but my mind inevitably wanders to my son starving, vomiting and squirming and flailing in his wagon and not being able to stop or change or do a fucking thing about it.

I wish I could say that being his mommy had fullfilled everything I desired so desperately. I LOVE LOVE my baby… I hate FUCKING HATE this eating problem so much that I just have no words only tears. It’s shit. I wish it would stop.. get better, change in some way.

The first 7+ months of this guys’s life has had this huge shadow. For how long must it be there, we have no clue.. but it effects everything. I realised yesterday it’s been a month since we’ve been in a photo WITH him. It’s like we just don’t have the strength to put on smiles and love him so much! It’s so sad that it’s that way… again and still. Fuck Fuck Fuck!

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Still so worried

The nurses have been worried for weeks about our little guy’s weight gain, and this week was particularly dismal. He has gained just 2 ounces in 6 days. He is almost exclusively breast fed, through a bottle, so we can see what is going in, and i’ve supplemented with formula from the beginning.

We just worry so much. Last week we were told they want to send him to the university hospital for some testing. Testing is good.. i know. We went to a private dr on Thursday last week and she said not to worry too much. That every baby grows at his own pace etc..

But I just am so scared that this little guy won’t grow. We stress so much, and this should be the happiest time of our life, with our now 2 month old pumpkin and all we do is stress.

Please send happy and growing vibes to us!!

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