Archive for the ‘IVF’ Category

We are very happy and proud to say after 11 long years, our family it totally complete. Our twins, each over 5lbs were born the 6th of May after 2 looong weeks at the hospital due to some pre-eclampsia issues. I wasnt actually diagnosed, as i had no protein in the urine, but my bp was over the top, i was so uncomfortable, had a horrible uti, the worst nurses ever and just was done being pregnant.

The c-section went fine, recovery has been okay, but i pretty much had to leave on day 4, because the nurses’ behavior, from refusing me pain meds, to making me get my own food the day after the section to force feeding my baby girl by dumping the bottle of milk without a nipple into her mouth while she gasped for air, was just too much.

Home is hectic. Eicca is a busy busy 2+ year old, and the twins are more ‘normal’ as in they get hungry. It takes a while to feed them our girl is quite small, but they are drinking slowly and just amazing to have in our lives.

Years ago, i thought we would never have a family. I could never have fathomed that we’d have 3 children after all the treatments we have been through. It has been a wonderful and scary journey and it will continue so.

Having kids makes you so stressed, you worry about everything, i know i cant predict the future, nor can i protect them from everything, but its the most amazing thing in the world.

For those of you reading this, going through any kind of infertility treatment or considering it, i have no doubt in my mind that treatments work. All three of these children are all products of FET or frozen embryo transfers. The twins from the same batch as our son. it CAN happen, but it can only happen if you arent too scared to try.

I just heard a friend of ours that has been trying for 7 years, just found out her husband has no sperm and bam they are giving up. NEVER NEVER NEVER give up! We have been through hell and back with feeding disorders and hospitals and illness and infertility and man, i’ve wanted to give up more than i wanted to go on… but you can’t. If you ultimate goal is a family, get that family! Adoption is a wonderful option, donor sperm-egg etc. so many options in the amazing world.

We are not rich, we are simple people, with a house for sale for 5 months, and no bites, and 2 unemployed parents ( although one of us is a dr now 🙂 a son with severe feeding issues ( still ) and no family for millions of miles, but we have hope. Not religion, not any special pills, but wine does help!

I hope someone just one person gets inspired to continue forward, because i am living proof that you can get your family of your dreams!

take care everyone and updates someday.



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Huge does not describe how I am. I am enormous, and tired and as of tomorrow have just 3 weeks until my planned c-section on the 10th of May. I can’t wait to meet these babies. My last children, my last pregnancy, the pregnancy I thought would never happen because of being so damn infertile, and for having the hardest year(s) of my life, from the moment precious Eicca was born.

Many times, i just would cry and look at my son and not know how I could ever get him to grow and be ‘normal’. He is still small.. but this morning he ate toast. He is now 26+ months and still precious and amazing and I learn from him daily and he will be a great big brother, but his health concerns haven’t left us yet.

A month ago he started vomit and and was hospitalized.. he had Noro virus and RSV, both of which I also got. He was there with big man in that tiny fucking room for 7 days and they strengthened their bond, which is wonderful. Eicca now sees he can depend on his papa maybe even more so than his enormous mom 🙂 He lost 2lbs in a week and has yet to gain that back. He is still smaller than the average year old, but he is wonderful and beautiful.

Yesterday our friends brought over their 20lb 6 mo old. I’ve never seen such a fat child.The wrists were bulging, i couldnt get my fingers around his fat calves, it didnt seem normal. I had to look it up.. turns out, he’s ‘just’ in the 50th percentile for weight.. well.. fuck me. There are babies FATTER at 6 mo, holy shit!!

I worry about these 2. I know I can’t predict the future, I have no idea what things will bring. Mom is coming the 16th for 3 weeks. We will need the help.

As much complaining as I do, I wouldnt change my life for anything. I am so blessed, if I can say blessed as I am not a religious person what so ever but lucky I guess, that I have ONE amazing child, the light of my life. Let’s see what the future holds.. updates to come.

Last check the twins were measuring about 2.1kg each at 34 weeks, one head up one head down. For those of you out there wondering if FET will ever work, for us, it was the only thing that worked, after failed fresh cycles and and IUI ( even though the first IUI did work, but ended in m/c at 9 wks ). Hang in there my few readers, and know that things can happen!!

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So, its a new year, and where can i start.  Firstly, the defrosting of 6 embryos resulted in just 2. Seriously just 2 and they have a defrosting rate of 80% and that broke my fucking heart. How can we loose 4 really good looking embryos? In any case the 2 beautiful embryos that were transferred were enough and surprise surprise.. stuck! We are now 20 weeks pregnant with twins! Yep.. twins.. and for those of you on facebook.. no open congrats please, as we are planning on surprising the shit out of our friends by posting birth pictures.. so SHHHHH.

I’m doing fine. Lots of vomiting and nausea for about 17 weeks, even while walking to town, had to stop to puke a few times, which in -10’F weather isn’t ideal, but eh.. what can you do?

Our angel eicca.. oh he is learning so much, but alas his weight isnt increasing. He will be 2 in a few weeks, 2 weeks and he has gained exactly one pound all year! It’s heartbreaking and we just don’t know what to do, but he is starting to feed himself a bit. He even ate tortilla chips at a restaurant over xmas and enjoyed a bit of sushi rice from our traditional Christmas sushi, so there is ‘some’ improvement.

Last week was hard, after the weigh in i took him back to daycare where there were 2 new kids, a 14 mo old and an 18 month old both giant tanks of children. Walking, and enormous. I came home and cried and cried.  Then when i picked him up at 3 and they said he didnt eat a bite all day, i for the first time in months got very angry with him and threw his food. It’s shameful, it’s been MONTHS since i’ve let myself get THAT upset with him.

He cried and cried and when i picked him up he just hugged me. the biggest hug ever and didnt let me go.. i’m a crap mom. I just want my boy to be healthy. that’s all i ever wanted, for this amazing creature who is my whole world. I just break thinking of him, not being what he can be because of his infantile anorexia.

And thoughts go to the twins and how they might be like this too, and how oh how will i survive? I know i can, i have to, but how is the question i have now. Not to mention i have read on my multiples board of people loosing one twin and then the so very touching and well acted desperate housewives episode 6, 11 where lynette looses one twin. The whole scene was brilliantly done. From the feelings she goes through when she imagines him disabled, to the look on her face when he asks for a sandwhich, to he r wanting to pick up the mostard.. it was a very well played scene, only to end in her hearing the baby was lost. Just heartbreakingly well done.

We also gave our beloved puppy, well, 6 year old black lab, mikko to a loving family. They live far in the south but they are in their late 20s, no kids in a big house and have lots of love and time to give. We have neglected the sweet dog enough, and although he was eicca’s best buddy, we know it’s for the best, for mikko could not get the attention he deserves now, and it would be even less when the twins arrive.

We have had some mixed reactions to the announcement of the twins.  Some people are elated, some eh.. not so much. My aunt had the audacity to tell my mom that i must have ‘done something’ as twins don’t just happen, even though her own son and his gf had twins when they were just 19 years old…that just happened.. but we are not open with out fertility treatments,maybe never will be, and that is our choice, but the fact that she planted that seed. bitch. Not to mention she hasnt come out to congratulate us, on fb, or email or otherwise, nor have her daughters, my cousins. Big man’s brother too, hasn’t been jumping for joy.. and it makes me laugh really. All these not too jubilant  people live millions of miles away in california or holland and really their lives have been hardly effected by the arrival of eicca, and won’t be too disturbed by the twins, so what the fuck gives? why cant we just be happy for family’s sake?

That’s all right now in a nutshell. I have my big ultra sound on the 13th. Would love to find out the sexes and see that they are both okay. I’m getting huge, already gained 10kg, or 22lbs and i gained just 12kgthe whole pregnancy with eicca, but eh.. what can i do.

take are all of you, few people reading this.. take care!

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7 weeks today

Eicca is 7 weeks today. I took my first bath since before being admitted to the hospital about 9 weeks ago. The bath was lovely. I kept thinking the last time I was in this bath, Eicca was still there inside me and I was blissfully unaware how dangerously low his water was. There I was submerging myself in not too hot water nightly and his water was dramatically reducing. Hard to think about what could have happened if we didn’t go and get ultra sounds every 4 weeks like the paranoid androids we are.

Here the ‘normal’ practice is a quick pat of the belly, followed by some measuring, which funny enough measured him, not only ‘big’ constantly, because i am ‘big’ but also had him markedly growing weekly, when in fact he stopped growing at 36 weeks. Funny how the blindfolded ‘technique’ just doesn’t work.

I am so thankful daily for him. My little munkki, munkki is finnish for doughnut, but since I can’t eat those, i can kiss my little munchkin and call him a tasty little munkki for mommy!

I love being a mom, still with the night feedings, I love it. The nurses are a bunch of more over protective cunts than I am. This passed Monday he was up to 3.6 kg or 8 lbs, and we were delighted. Only again to get a call the next day. The nurse was ‘up all night’ worrying about OUR baby,. WTF!

She asked if we could come in the next day to see the dr., and i asked if it was absolutely necessary considering he gained 320g in 12 days, and the ‘norm’ for breastfed babies is 290g, so he was even above normal.. imagine that. All those ‘forced’ every 2-3 hr feedings worked a bit i guess. She said it wasn’t vital, but we can see the dr next week. I was so upset. I emailed a friend in the states, and she comes back with they are so worried cause SIDS is ‘highest’ among lightweight boys!

What the hell! As if I wasn’t stressed and worried enough.. thanks bitch! So, I spent Tuesday reading about SIDS, and yes, maybe it happens more in boys than girls, and yes, babies under 7lbs at birth are ‘higher’ at risk, but the biggest risk was under 3.5 lbs, and a whole list of other shit from smoking, to sleeping position to age etc..

So now, I’ve taken it upon myself to be a SIDS preventer. I wake him whenever he is sleeping, just startling him when i can’t hear him breathing. I feel like a bad and good mother all at once. I don’t want to ‘miss’ catching the SIDS cause I didn’t want to startle him. Nights are tough. We are both so tired. Big man is working and basically I take care of Eicca all night and he does the 6 am feeding/changing so I can sleep till 8.

But, I do set my clock to either feed or just startle him. Fuck, I hope it’s enough! I can’t even fathom my world without him. I can’t even grasp what life would be like without him, and if my faith in the gods was bad before, I can’t even grapple with what kind of god would take this so loved and much wanted little man our of our lives. But, again I am ahead of myself. I told big man that if anything happened to Eicca, that I wouldn’t want another child. We have 6 embryos on ice, and would love to have more babies,but if anything happens, I couldn’t bear going through pregnancy and everything again.

Also, let me make small rant about the recent twins explosion in Hollywood. We turned to IVF when we had no other options. When we were so desperate and 8 years together and couldn’t not try IVF. Now we have fucking Angelina, who I used to respect, doing IVF getting pregnant with twins, not because she can’t conceive, but because she was TOO SKINNY to conceive on her own. I have the solution… eat bitch! Eat a fucking sandwhich and gain some weight, get your period back, ovulate and get pregnant in two months like you did the last time! I mean come fucking on!

I know who the hell am I? Some have said I was too fat for IVF, too fat at a size 14, fair enough, but it’s a clear abuse of science because you don’t want to fucking eat something. I am just shocked Brad would go for shit like that. Let’s not even consider how many fucking kids they already have.. i mean; i could go on and on here!

That’s all for now, here is a picture of our little munkki at 7 weeks.

take care all of you!eicca 6 w 4 days

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Nothing special to say today. I’m not even sure if anyone will read this this century, but I figured I could start this blog now, before my (hopefully) FET or Frozen Embryo trasfer.

I write here today inspired by all the women who’s blogs I have read and re-read at 2 am searching for some kind of solace in their struggles. Recently I have decided to check up on some of those ladies only to see that about 90% of them are either pregnant (even the one’s that lost hope themselves.. ) or they’ve recently delivered their bundles of joy (often in 2s).

I suppose I want some of those bloggy vibes to come my way- Maybe through osmosis or some kind of weird internet connection will my FET succeed and I can write about my impending pregnancy…. or maybe not and I can use this page to bitch and moan about life not being fair and about the 44 year olds that get pg on their own and about 2 of my students that are pg at this very moment and about teen pregnancy and about my friend that just got pg and got an abortion ( which I do support, but just think it’s fucked timing.. ) and all those other things, like the people I don’t know are pg today, but could slap my face tomorrow with the announcement etc.

Maybe I am just a crazy person. Actually I am pretty sure I am. There is this saying in Dutch: Schizofreen is nooit alleen. The schizophrenic is never alone. Maybe I can find peace in that..

Tuesday I meet with dr. Riitta who I am pretty sure will be pregnant soon or already is. I just have this sneaking suspicion. She will go through the results of my endo-biopsy. We assume nothing is wrong, but with 2 failed IVFs she thinks it’s time for more tests. Still I cling to the hope that it CAN and FUCKING will happen, as we DID get pregnant on our very first IUI (April 2005) Talk about beginner’s luck. I was 27 and we just didn’t expect it. Then it was snatched from us just days before flying to the states to visit family for a month.

Talk about bummer. We would have been 12 weeks when we told my grandpa. We had t-shirts made, my close friend was 5 mo, but no.. that all changed so fast when I just wanted to get another ultra sound to make ‘sure’ things were okay 2 days before our trip. We just saw the healthy heartbeat days before, but I wanted to reeeeally make sure. They say that sometimes you just know.. I didn’t. I just wanted to bring the u/s picture to my 78 year old grandpa. I felt great. Sore bbs etc.. sorry to live in the past, I supposed after 2 years we’d be pg again, and since we obviously haven’t been, it’s been hard.

Lots of love to y’all out there going through this. Let’s hope this starts the 2nd half of the year off better. Write much and speak soon!

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