Archive for the ‘Miscarriage’ Category

Nothing special to say today. I’m not even sure if anyone will read this this century, but I figured I could start this blog now, before my (hopefully) FET or Frozen Embryo trasfer.

I write here today inspired by all the women who’s blogs I have read and re-read at 2 am searching for some kind of solace in their struggles. Recently I have decided to check up on some of those ladies only to see that about 90% of them are either pregnant (even the one’s that lost hope themselves.. ) or they’ve recently delivered their bundles of joy (often in 2s).

I suppose I want some of those bloggy vibes to come my way- Maybe through osmosis or some kind of weird internet connection will my FET succeed and I can write about my impending pregnancy…. or maybe not and I can use this page to bitch and moan about life not being fair and about the 44 year olds that get pg on their own and about 2 of my students that are pg at this very moment and about teen pregnancy and about my friend that just got pg and got an abortion ( which I do support, but just think it’s fucked timing.. ) and all those other things, like the people I don’t know are pg today, but could slap my face tomorrow with the announcement etc.

Maybe I am just a crazy person. Actually I am pretty sure I am. There is this saying in Dutch: Schizofreen is nooit alleen. The schizophrenic is never alone. Maybe I can find peace in that..

Tuesday I meet with dr. Riitta who I am pretty sure will be pregnant soon or already is. I just have this sneaking suspicion. She will go through the results of my endo-biopsy. We assume nothing is wrong, but with 2 failed IVFs she thinks it’s time for more tests. Still I cling to the hope that it CAN and FUCKING will happen, as we DID get pregnant on our very first IUI (April 2005) Talk about beginner’s luck. I was 27 and we just didn’t expect it. Then it was snatched from us just days before flying to the states to visit family for a month.

Talk about bummer. We would have been 12 weeks when we told my grandpa. We had t-shirts made, my close friend was 5 mo, but no.. that all changed so fast when I just wanted to get another ultra sound to make ‘sure’ things were okay 2 days before our trip. We just saw the healthy heartbeat days before, but I wanted to reeeeally make sure. They say that sometimes you just know.. I didn’t. I just wanted to bring the u/s picture to my 78 year old grandpa. I felt great. Sore bbs etc.. sorry to live in the past, I supposed after 2 years we’d be pg again, and since we obviously haven’t been, it’s been hard.

Lots of love to y’all out there going through this. Let’s hope this starts the 2nd half of the year off better. Write much and speak soon!


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