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Huge does not describe how I am. I am enormous, and tired and as of tomorrow have just 3 weeks until my planned c-section on the 10th of May. I can’t wait to meet these babies. My last children, my last pregnancy, the pregnancy I thought would never happen because of being so damn infertile, and for having the hardest year(s) of my life, from the moment precious Eicca was born.

Many times, i just would cry and look at my son and not know how I could ever get him to grow and be ‘normal’. He is still small.. but this morning he ate toast. He is now 26+ months and still precious and amazing and I learn from him daily and he will be a great big brother, but his health concerns haven’t left us yet.

A month ago he started vomit and and was hospitalized.. he had Noro virus and RSV, both of which I also got. He was there with big man in that tiny fucking room for 7 days and they strengthened their bond, which is wonderful. Eicca now sees he can depend on his papa maybe even more so than his enormous mom 🙂 He lost 2lbs in a week and has yet to gain that back. He is still smaller than the average year old, but he is wonderful and beautiful.

Yesterday our friends brought over their 20lb 6 mo old. I’ve never seen such a fat child.The wrists were bulging, i couldnt get my fingers around his fat calves, it didnt seem normal. I had to look it up.. turns out, he’s ‘just’ in the 50th percentile for weight.. well.. fuck me. There are babies FATTER at 6 mo, holy shit!!

I worry about these 2. I know I can’t predict the future, I have no idea what things will bring. Mom is coming the 16th for 3 weeks. We will need the help.

As much complaining as I do, I wouldnt change my life for anything. I am so blessed, if I can say blessed as I am not a religious person what so ever but lucky I guess, that I have ONE amazing child, the light of my life. Let’s see what the future holds.. updates to come.

Last check the twins were measuring about 2.1kg each at 34 weeks, one head up one head down. For those of you out there wondering if FET will ever work, for us, it was the only thing that worked, after failed fresh cycles and and IUI ( even though the first IUI did work, but ended in m/c at 9 wks ). Hang in there my few readers, and know that things can happen!!

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almost 10 months old

Hello everyone out there. THank you those who have been keeping in touch with us. We have just returned from 6 weeks in the states and I am a bit more optimistic. Lately, knock wood, Eicca has been eating food better, although the bottle his is enemy still.

He throughly enjoys drinking water out of cups or adult water bottles, but a sippy cup is enemy #2. Each day I make my magic mix of jarred fruit or veggies with oatmeal, milk powder, oil, and made formula and give him that a few times a day.
YEsterday we were up to 15 tablespoons a day, which was really great, although as you know, every day is different.

The flight going to the states was really hard on me, as I was traveling alone with a super flyer Eicca. He didnt mind the take offs or landings at all and we had 46 hrs of travel to get us to Maui, from Oulu, Finland so he did great.  I however cried much of the journey from Frankfurt to SF as fucking United claimed not to have the bassinetts any more, although their website clearly states they do. It was a really hard flight with him not eating or drinking, but sweating to high heaven on my chest in his baby bjorn.

Alas, we made it and go to spend some great time bonding with the grandparents and trying to avoid the heat. It was nearly 90 each day, and something both Eicca and myself were not fans of. There was much vomiting sometimes 5x a day, but also some eating of ice cream which he seemed to love and some vanilla pudding, which he also enjoyed.

Overall, i was beyond over the moon when I weighed him at his 9 mo apt and he was 18lbs, that is 3x his birthweight and something we were aiming for at his year check-up, so there seemed to be some hope.

On a nice note we also spent time with my niece who is 3 mo younger than Eicca and the same weight, which saddened me a bit. Not only that, but she cried for food and held her own bottle.. something my monkey doesnt do.

On another neat note, eicca has taken to finally putting food in his mouth. He sometimes puts crackers or even french fries, which again gives us hope. He also liked the delicious pumpkin milkshakes and whipped cream offered to him, so let’s see.

All in all, i am glad we went. The flight back was exhausting, but I know I am stronger for doing it all alone. Big Man had much work to catch up on and also renovated our kitchen, so although there was missing, there was a reason.

Take care to you all, and thank you for listening!

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In Dutch they have a saying that roughly translates to the last steps are the heaviest. Well… these last steps or days or whatever before we go to Helsinki and my parents come here have been fucking heavy. I just again can’t believe we are back to or still in the total bottle refusal and fighting to get him to eat.

Somedays I just think it’s better if we put that fucking feeding tube.. so we can focus on loving and playing with him (not making angry and sad faces even involuntarily cause he is yet again refusing for many hours) and we can teach him how to do things.. like roll over, which is still isn’t doing and that stresses us out.

He is sitting well on his own.. so yippee for something.. but I just feel that this burden is huge. His eating disorder has consumed everything in it’s path. It’s taken my self worth, our relationship within the family, my relationship with friends, our joy of having a baby and the desire to have more children and  our general happiness.

Nothing seems to matter and that’s the shitty part. We can mindlessly watch tv, or try to enjoy movies or some ‘down’ time, but my mind inevitably wanders to my son starving, vomiting and squirming and flailing in his wagon and not being able to stop or change or do a fucking thing about it.

I wish I could say that being his mommy had fullfilled everything I desired so desperately. I LOVE LOVE my baby… I hate FUCKING HATE this eating problem so much that I just have no words only tears. It’s shit. I wish it would stop.. get better, change in some way.

The first 7+ months of this guys’s life has had this huge shadow. For how long must it be there, we have no clue.. but it effects everything. I realised yesterday it’s been a month since we’ve been in a photo WITH him. It’s like we just don’t have the strength to put on smiles and love him so much! It’s so sad that it’s that way… again and still. Fuck Fuck Fuck!

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Hi again, I realized that any sense of being anonymous on the net is truly futile. Simply typing in our baby’s name leads EVERYONE to this blog, and also to our past struggles to get and stay pregnant. I suppose that isn’t such a bad thing, although we will never go into details about our treatments openly to friends and family… all the details are just here.. on this blog. It’s funny really. Because we didn’t really hide the fact we had problems, and in fact I believe that people doing IVF or IUIs especially in the public eye ( which we are not ) should be open about it, but we just chose not to add any additional pressure with talking to our families about retrievals and transfers and defrosting and finally period getting despair. Those things we decided to keep to ourselves and if we ever got pregnant, could then share with the world.. I think that if we ever do this all again, we will keep it the same way.

There is already so much hope and faith that goes into each treatment and cycle, and the added pressure of family and friends hoping and crossing their fingers only to hear another cycle failed is just too much to bear.

Now that being said, things are going okay. We are just 90g or 3.5 ounces away from doubling Eicca’s birth weight at 4 months 1 day old. That is VERY good. We’ve been using some Fantomalt, which adds 20 calories per scoop to help fatten him up a bit, but still his feeding sessions are a bit poor at best.

He has taken to solids and when he is in the mood, he really enjoys rice cereal, prunes and avocado, but takes them mainly once a day, even though we try twice a day.

Eicca has also found and has fallen in love with his hands which he eats constantly. We aren’t sure if he is teething yet.. but it could be close. He is so vocal now, laughing outloud and smiling all the time, except when eating of course. which is a bit sad.

Other than that having him is still the BEST thing that has ever happened to us all.

Wishing you all a wonderful spring and please send positive continuing to gain weight vibes. I’ve only cried once this week during a flat out refusal at noon, but i am working on it.

byeee

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Reading an infertile’s blog and having her complain her daughter, gorgeous newborn wasn’t latching on.. and thinking to myself.. what a selfish bitch. I mean here she is with this gorgeous baby, which I will never have and she’s bitching about feeding.. oh my apologies go out to her.

My precious son still isn’t succeeding in the feeding section of his life. He is steadily gaining weight and at his 15 wk apt was 5kg, or 11lbs, which is good considering he was born at 2.680kg, but every feeding session is hell.

I cry daily usually around 12 when he flat our refuses now pushing the bottle away. We’ve been on zantac , which only made him drink less, now on losec for 9 days and at least he isn’t vomiting as much and sleeping MUCH better, but the amount.. the amount is about 75% of his daily ‘requirement’ and he just hates each session.

We’ve introduced solids last week. He seemed to do ok with carrots and potato mix. We were desperate. If you see your child flat out refuse food for 5-7 hrs and you offer bottle after wasted formula filled bottle, it’s tough.

I decided to stop pumping at 14 weeks. I was going to pump the whole day..my period came that morning the first since giving life to this angel.. and i stopped. The stress of pumping 50ml or 2 ounces about, every 3 hrs plus everytime he refused a bm bottle, i’d feel it was SUCH a waste, cause I got so little for him, just made it all too difficult. Not to mention the 1hr+ it took me every nite to feed him, plus pump then try to get back to sleep not disturbing big man, who gets daily crying calls from me, and really needs to actually work sometimes so we can buy all the damn formula.

We go back fri for a stomach ultrasound and an ekg and then we will see if he can try different medication for reflux, but not before he gets a few more tests. I really hate putting him on any medicine, but the sessions are tedious and exhausting for us all. I just want to enjoy the spring.. and my little man, our miracle baby.. but we can’t. It’s just too damn hard to take him out, and fear missing a session.. then the eats nothing that day!

Help!! No one can help apparently…it’s so tough!

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Yesterday I heard that we were getting an ultra sound on Monday, and that lifted a big ass weight off my shoulders. Even if it just means seeing pupo again. My brain must have relaxed a bit, because last night I had a VERY hot dream involving Gavin Rossdale ( you know the guy from Bush and unfortunately nasty Gwen Stefani’s baby daddy).

It was so realistic, because we were actually sneaking around…. he was apparently her ‘nanny’ while she toured.. and i was 9 months pregnant, but stilll… DAMN::

I woke up feeling a bit more normal, which is a good thing I am sure! I will update everyone Monday… thanks for the support.. must keep the happy dreams coming!!
Have a nice weekend!!

gavin rossdale

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I hope everyone had a lovely xmas etc.. we had 5 days together, no killing. Big man got the pleasure of shaving me, which is just fine. Not even too itchy yet, and it’s been 3 days! He enjoyed that way too much, but hasn’t paid much attention to it since the initial shaving, so I guess the novelty has worn off.

We exchanged some small gifts, and did some things in Pupo’s room. I’ve been counting kicks and usually get about 10 within 45 min in the evenings which is good. I am worried still every minute that something will go wrong, especially since he is already almost 34 weeks. But, I have to have more patience and faith….

Today was my official last day of any kind of work. I made the last few interview calls for my company and I am really free.  I know I still have much to do, we have washed pretty much everything, and will sort it out this weekend.. big man has 4 days off.

I have also started having my perineum massaged. Can I just say- ouch, not comfortable, not relaxing, not sexual.. not pleasant etc.. Fuck, it’s annoying. I just focus on a spot in the corner and instinctively do some deep ‘lamaze’ like breathing. It seems to help, but most of the time I end up laughing and can’t stop. Big man compared me to one of my favorite sexy men, Johnny Knoxville. Apparently Johnny K also laughs when he is in pain.. fuck it hurts!

I am still walking, and have tried to do about 2 miles a day, which is tough, especially cause it gets so hot in the room, but I take breaks.

Also, I’ve been drinking the raspberry tea for about 2 weeks, and will start the primrose capsules in a week or so, orally. Dunno if I want anything up the hoo hoo or noonie right now.. especially after that damn massage.

Things in general are good, but I am impatient and bored. I will start making some foodies to freeze soon.. i think i’ve been saying that for weeks, but I should start sometime.

How will I ever get through to January.. green grass in Northern finland, almost doesn’t seem possible.. but it’s true. The roads are slick ice rinks and I dare venture outside at all, but at least I try to be positive 🙂

All the best to everyone.. just 6 weeks to go! Hang in there pupo!!

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