Almost a year gone by…

The twins are nearly a year old. Where does the time go while it’s dragging its ass. Big man has been working for 4 months now, and we live like paupers. Happy paupers. I feel lucky beyond words to be able to be home with the twins, and they are learning and growing daily ( even though feeding them is a frustrating and nearly impossible task). Eicca has improved greatly, although we can’t quite say he is eating ‘normally’ yet, there has been improvement in some areas. We have cleared away for the most part from the pudding, and are trying to relax and let him do it.

 

His severe speech delay has worried teachers and doctors alike, so we are working on speech therapy. He is 3, with 3 languages to learn, but there should be at least a few clear words, of which there are not.

 

Days are spent trying to keep Edie from attacking Iian fiercely. She is a spitfire, has been since birth, screaming out of the womb ( through a beautifully healed c-section scar), and Iian the family punching bag, poor snuggy bear, but very sweet and a push over for his siblings, poor dear.

 

All in all, i try to keep busy.. days enough are busy and I am exercising like a fiend and cutting calories in a first time in my life attempt to fit into real clothes. Recent blood tests show EXCELLENT levels of sugar, cholesterol etc.. so thats a good thing. Happy spring everyone!

Twins have arrived

We are very happy and proud to say after 11 long years, our family it totally complete. Our twins, each over 5lbs were born the 6th of May after 2 looong weeks at the hospital due to some pre-eclampsia issues. I wasnt actually diagnosed, as i had no protein in the urine, but my bp was over the top, i was so uncomfortable, had a horrible uti, the worst nurses ever and just was done being pregnant.

The c-section went fine, recovery has been okay, but i pretty much had to leave on day 4, because the nurses’ behavior, from refusing me pain meds, to making me get my own food the day after the section to force feeding my baby girl by dumping the bottle of milk without a nipple into her mouth while she gasped for air, was just too much.

Home is hectic. Eicca is a busy busy 2+ year old, and the twins are more ‘normal’ as in they get hungry. It takes a while to feed them our girl is quite small, but they are drinking slowly and just amazing to have in our lives.

Years ago, i thought we would never have a family. I could never have fathomed that we’d have 3 children after all the treatments we have been through. It has been a wonderful and scary journey and it will continue so.

Having kids makes you so stressed, you worry about everything, i know i cant predict the future, nor can i protect them from everything, but its the most amazing thing in the world.

For those of you reading this, going through any kind of infertility treatment or considering it, i have no doubt in my mind that treatments work. All three of these children are all products of FET or frozen embryo transfers. The twins from the same batch as our son. it CAN happen, but it can only happen if you arent too scared to try.

I just heard a friend of ours that has been trying for 7 years, just found out her husband has no sperm and bam they are giving up. NEVER NEVER NEVER give up! We have been through hell and back with feeding disorders and hospitals and illness and infertility and man, i’ve wanted to give up more than i wanted to go on… but you can’t. If you ultimate goal is a family, get that family! Adoption is a wonderful option, donor sperm-egg etc. so many options in the amazing world.

We are not rich, we are simple people, with a house for sale for 5 months, and no bites, and 2 unemployed parents ( although one of us is a dr now 🙂 a son with severe feeding issues ( still ) and no family for millions of miles, but we have hope. Not religion, not any special pills, but wine does help!

I hope someone just one person gets inspired to continue forward, because i am living proof that you can get your family of your dreams!

take care everyone and updates someday.

~r

35 weeks with twins tomorrow

Huge does not describe how I am. I am enormous, and tired and as of tomorrow have just 3 weeks until my planned c-section on the 10th of May. I can’t wait to meet these babies. My last children, my last pregnancy, the pregnancy I thought would never happen because of being so damn infertile, and for having the hardest year(s) of my life, from the moment precious Eicca was born.

Many times, i just would cry and look at my son and not know how I could ever get him to grow and be ‘normal’. He is still small.. but this morning he ate toast. He is now 26+ months and still precious and amazing and I learn from him daily and he will be a great big brother, but his health concerns haven’t left us yet.

A month ago he started vomit and and was hospitalized.. he had Noro virus and RSV, both of which I also got. He was there with big man in that tiny fucking room for 7 days and they strengthened their bond, which is wonderful. Eicca now sees he can depend on his papa maybe even more so than his enormous mom 🙂 He lost 2lbs in a week and has yet to gain that back. He is still smaller than the average year old, but he is wonderful and beautiful.

Yesterday our friends brought over their 20lb 6 mo old. I’ve never seen such a fat child.The wrists were bulging, i couldnt get my fingers around his fat calves, it didnt seem normal. I had to look it up.. turns out, he’s ‘just’ in the 50th percentile for weight.. well.. fuck me. There are babies FATTER at 6 mo, holy shit!!

I worry about these 2. I know I can’t predict the future, I have no idea what things will bring. Mom is coming the 16th for 3 weeks. We will need the help.

As much complaining as I do, I wouldnt change my life for anything. I am so blessed, if I can say blessed as I am not a religious person what so ever but lucky I guess, that I have ONE amazing child, the light of my life. Let’s see what the future holds.. updates to come.

Last check the twins were measuring about 2.1kg each at 34 weeks, one head up one head down. For those of you out there wondering if FET will ever work, for us, it was the only thing that worked, after failed fresh cycles and and IUI ( even though the first IUI did work, but ended in m/c at 9 wks ). Hang in there my few readers, and know that things can happen!!

Happy 2nd birthday to our angel!

Today Eicca is 2. Everyday I look at him and see the most beautiful, amazing child I have ever seen. One that is so helpful, caring, funny and smart, but I see the other side too. The side that is smaller than every kid at his  daycare, including the 9 month olds. The boy that can’t and won’t eat, and is slowing draining the life out of us sometimes. The boy that fights and kicks and screams when we change his diaper or put on his winter clothes.

All of those faces are the faces of my son. My amazing son that we worked so hard for, and dreamed a million dreams about. But, it goes to show that even after all those dreams, and years of struggling you can still struggle.

I fear daily now, that my son will never learn to eat. I have come across a very inspirational blog: http://www.franklyfrankie.com/ about 2 year old Francesca. She has had a tube for a year, and has started net coaching with the bitches at Graz and now in her 3rd week is doing amazingly well. She is eating tons of various solid foods and looks like she will be tube weaned soon enough.

That of course gives us hope, but we have a huge disadvantage. Eicca has been fighting with us and the feeds for 2 years. The phobia is there, the utter fear and pain of having to eat has been experienced, and he also knows the taste of food, its not new to him, it’s not a magical wonderland of tastes and smells, he’s had it all before in some form or another.

I want to be positive, what I want is help.. still and always, some real advice, not just from a world reknowned doctor on feeding problems to email me and say.. buy my book.. which i did and was great, but when i have questions not to answer me.. !!! Or to be told by the people in graz that they suspect i have munchhausen by proxy, because my 20lb 2 year old is actually just fucking ok!! No.. real fucking, for sure, for real help!

Anyone??

21 weeks, why isn’t this posting right.. sigh!

So everything went well yesterday. It ended up being a 3 hr apt but it went well. they had to switch machines to get more body part details, but so far all looks okay- one is for sure a boy and according to a specialist that came in to double check, the other a girl!they found a clit ha ha.. good for her!

the whole time eicca’s day care kept calling.. he was puking there and they freaked, so big man had to leave me early at the end.. but it was a good apt-next one in 4 wks. the estimate they are each bout 14ounces, or 400g.

I can only imagine how frustrating it was for the doctors doing the very specific and details ultrasound of the babies body parts to hear me in very broken Finnish try to explain to the day care workers that yes, Eicca can puke 6x in 2 hrs and be totally normal.. of course they dont belive that because ‘normal’ children as they said, do NOT puke that often.. oh my.. we are so far fucking away from normal, i cant even see the city limits signs. Alas, our bank apt had to be canceled, and big man took an entire day off for basically 2 free ultra sound hours, but that’s life.

thats all for now, hope u r all well, take care!

New year.. where to begin..

So, its a new year, and where can i start.  Firstly, the defrosting of 6 embryos resulted in just 2. Seriously just 2 and they have a defrosting rate of 80% and that broke my fucking heart. How can we loose 4 really good looking embryos? In any case the 2 beautiful embryos that were transferred were enough and surprise surprise.. stuck! We are now 20 weeks pregnant with twins! Yep.. twins.. and for those of you on facebook.. no open congrats please, as we are planning on surprising the shit out of our friends by posting birth pictures.. so SHHHHH.

I’m doing fine. Lots of vomiting and nausea for about 17 weeks, even while walking to town, had to stop to puke a few times, which in -10’F weather isn’t ideal, but eh.. what can you do?

Our angel eicca.. oh he is learning so much, but alas his weight isnt increasing. He will be 2 in a few weeks, 2 weeks and he has gained exactly one pound all year! It’s heartbreaking and we just don’t know what to do, but he is starting to feed himself a bit. He even ate tortilla chips at a restaurant over xmas and enjoyed a bit of sushi rice from our traditional Christmas sushi, so there is ‘some’ improvement.

Last week was hard, after the weigh in i took him back to daycare where there were 2 new kids, a 14 mo old and an 18 month old both giant tanks of children. Walking, and enormous. I came home and cried and cried.  Then when i picked him up at 3 and they said he didnt eat a bite all day, i for the first time in months got very angry with him and threw his food. It’s shameful, it’s been MONTHS since i’ve let myself get THAT upset with him.

He cried and cried and when i picked him up he just hugged me. the biggest hug ever and didnt let me go.. i’m a crap mom. I just want my boy to be healthy. that’s all i ever wanted, for this amazing creature who is my whole world. I just break thinking of him, not being what he can be because of his infantile anorexia.

And thoughts go to the twins and how they might be like this too, and how oh how will i survive? I know i can, i have to, but how is the question i have now. Not to mention i have read on my multiples board of people loosing one twin and then the so very touching and well acted desperate housewives episode 6, 11 where lynette looses one twin. The whole scene was brilliantly done. From the feelings she goes through when she imagines him disabled, to the look on her face when he asks for a sandwhich, to he r wanting to pick up the mostard.. it was a very well played scene, only to end in her hearing the baby was lost. Just heartbreakingly well done.

We also gave our beloved puppy, well, 6 year old black lab, mikko to a loving family. They live far in the south but they are in their late 20s, no kids in a big house and have lots of love and time to give. We have neglected the sweet dog enough, and although he was eicca’s best buddy, we know it’s for the best, for mikko could not get the attention he deserves now, and it would be even less when the twins arrive.

We have had some mixed reactions to the announcement of the twins.  Some people are elated, some eh.. not so much. My aunt had the audacity to tell my mom that i must have ‘done something’ as twins don’t just happen, even though her own son and his gf had twins when they were just 19 years old…that just happened.. but we are not open with out fertility treatments,maybe never will be, and that is our choice, but the fact that she planted that seed. bitch. Not to mention she hasnt come out to congratulate us, on fb, or email or otherwise, nor have her daughters, my cousins. Big man’s brother too, hasn’t been jumping for joy.. and it makes me laugh really. All these not too jubilant  people live millions of miles away in california or holland and really their lives have been hardly effected by the arrival of eicca, and won’t be too disturbed by the twins, so what the fuck gives? why cant we just be happy for family’s sake?

That’s all right now in a nutshell. I have my big ultra sound on the 13th. Would love to find out the sexes and see that they are both okay. I’m getting huge, already gained 10kg, or 22lbs and i gained just 12kgthe whole pregnancy with eicca, but eh.. what can i do.

take are all of you, few people reading this.. take care!

why didn’t this post.. from september.. weird, sorry guys!

So, after 5 weeks of daycare and not really eating or drinking i may add at daycare, we go in for a big weigh in. This is yet another one that will determine if he needs the tube placed soon. We have taken a very ‘graz’ approach, letting him ‘ask’ for food, which he can do by bringing pudding to me, when its on the table, but although he might do that he is just eating one or two puddings, much less than before so who the fuck knows. He is enjoying daycare though. they love him there and he is so happy to be there. I know mommy is a bit boring all day 🙂 On a disappointing note, i am unable to find work atm and went for hours to the unemployment agency and social office, filled in forms, answered millions of quesitons, only to find out at the end that my husband makes 100 eur too much per month so i get absolutely nothing. Basically instead of daycare costing 200 eur, it costs us over 500 ( 200 for daycare and the 350+ I loose per month by not having him home with me ). that sucks, but I know for my son that daycare is much better for him, and he will stay there regardless of our poorness. Seems like a strange time then to use the last 6 embryos. After the disaster with that cunt Mervi in Warsaw and the restraining order courts shit and just everything, somehow i decided that if it was going to ever be a good time to try those frozen embryos then no time like the present. We have 6 frozen, frozen in straws of 2. The first straw produced one beautiful embryo, but it took the defrosting of the other 4 just to get one more. So, 2 were transferred a few weeks ago. Results are inconclusive as they have been with Eicca, so no jumping and cheering please. I had a + test 12dp3dt and then a negative, so I am currently waiting for some Beta results. I am in a place where I don’t know how to feel. Just 2 months ago I couldn’t have thought of having another baby. Being in Warsaw I missed my baby so much, and saw families and they looked happy and I DO believe we can all be happy someday, and get through this. I thought then and there, okay, we try those 6 embryos and see what happens, and big man didn’t argue. We both have our dream come true, our son, is the best thing in the world and we would both be perfect happy as a family of 3. On the other hand, let us think about the time, money and heartbreak that goes into getting any embryos at all. We are so lucky to have 6 there waiting and how horrible to just let them got to wast. We could never donate them to another couple, and the waste alone of having them destroyed was too much for us. The other option was to leave them frozen at my 29 years and use them when we were more.. um.. i dunno.. stable, confident, comfortable, rich whatever, but that might bring me at over 38 and I DO NOT want to be that old with a baby. Many of you reading this will be angry with me and that is fine, but I do not appreciate women having babies after a certain age. I know many many of you are wanna be mothers at advanced age, but I personally think too much of that child, and know how fragile life is. No guarantees at any age sure, but why up the anty more? For me, if no fertility treatment ever worked, and I became of an advanced age after 10+ years and millions of euros trying for a baby, I would have to admit defeat for the sake of that child. I could not imagine night feeds and goddess forbid a special needs child being of an advanced age. I just couldn’t, but that is me, and many people can. and good for them. Donor eggs, not for me. Donor embryos and even donor sperm, just a path we never wanted to go down at any cost. So, now we are in limbo.. we are often in limbo. Big man is nearly finished with his Phd and soon we will be searching for work in far away lands. So, technically we are unemployed with a special needs child and maybe pupo.. trying to think of what else we are to make the situation sound more fucked up. We have the first u/s in a few weeks. I am much more relaxed and really do have the feeling things will happen as they do. Of course I am teriffied of another missed miscarriage. I cant bear the though of another dead baby inside me, weather its 5 or 9 or 11 weeks old. That scares me, but really, there is absolutely nothing I can do. That perpetual feeling of helplessness is something I have gotten used to since having eicca 20 months ago, we are so helpless although not hopeless quite yet. All the best to you all!

It’s my 32nd bday and all I want is my son to eat..

Hello everyone, life just doesnt get easier. We returned from a much needed trip to the states, and that was nice etc, but Eicca isnt eating.He didnt eat well the whole trip, but learned how to walk, which is great. The passed few days now have been extremely trying, and I am looking longinly forward to the feeding tube and or day care helping him out.

He got accepted to the one close by so he can start in August and the play picnics will start then as well. Should either one of them not help sufficiently, then the fucking tube is going in, period! I for one am utterly sick of the fighting, refusal and now my favorite spitting out of food. I’ve fucking had it, and welcome any kind of relief to be honest, be that in day care or any other form.

So, until then we are still in limbo.. but this time, I am playing more hard ball. Eicca has a stricter bed time routine, including a timer to announce it’s sleepy time, and we started implementing a short time out for when he rips his bib off, which he is starting to do more and more often.. not a good sign thus.. But he needs some discipline.

Lastly, we decided not to only offer him pudding anymore. I for one am sick of investing in the pudding factory it seems. He can have yogurt and other fruits etc, but unless its the last meal of the day and he hasnt eaten a thing, then no pudding will be offered.  He will simply starve, and I know we havent allowed that before, but feeding him only pudding ( which he even most of the time refuses ) is in my opinion just delaying the inevitable.-. tube for another few weeks or months.

Now we will feed him what we feel should be given, he will refuse, he will loose weight and he will get that fucking feeding tube.. nuff said. thanks for listening!

12th of August

So the date is set.. we have regretted this decision not to put the tube as he has not eaten in 4 days,. Not a bite, not a sip of anything. I have started to syringe juice and milk into his mouth.

Honestly we have had the anti.depressants thrown around, but when things are okay, i dont feel depressed. It’s just when they are shit that things feel like shit.

I honestly dont believe there is real help for us. I have no clue if feeding therapy somewhere in the world would be available or even help, or if we are looking at a 15 year old with a tube.

Frankly though my dears i dont give a flying fuck if he is 15 with a tube. He will be happy, healthy, growing and handling his tube himself.. right now we just need there to be growth.. development and have progress.

He is lighter than he was last December. Time has stood still, and that can’t be right.

thank you all for the support!!

He gained a tiny bit of weight, so no tube.. FOR NOW!::

But it is fucking coming. I am at this nearly 16 months.. all day every day, and i am so tired. I can’t get him to eat OR DRINK a thing all day.. i try to let him play with food, i try to be the best mom i can be, but i am so angry and stressed and i can see him not getting any bigger and it’s just horrible. I feel sick. I dread the trip in a way.. i have to deal with all this feeding stress alone.. my grandpa cant’ help, my mom is great, but totally useless in this case, my big man is busy working on HIS things, so stays behind for a few weeks, so it’s just me.. it’s always just me and i am so tired of it.

I dare to say i want him in day care, but i think i have to. To be a BETTER mom to him, i cant deal with his little non eating face all day.. i just cant’. He’s only sweet sleeping in my arms or playing with the dog, but my heart breaks looking at him.. because he doent want to eat. He fucking can..

He runs over to me pushing his walker as he isnt walking on his own yet.. and he is 16 months old.. but he runs over to me and smiles and dances to the killers playing on the radio and continues running ( burning calories ) on his way.. it’s heartbreaking.. i need help!